I keep some of my feelings locked down. I can feel my mind trying to repress my wounded emotions, when they come knocking on my door. I know I should let them in but I'm so scared to listen to what they have to say. It goes by automatism, i don't know how to break the pattern. there are so many THOUGHTS in my head, i have a hard time single them out, sounds like a big buzz.                                                                                                                 today i did something i was TERRIFIED of doing. I called for help this summer and OF COURSE it took months before i could get an appointment. Great healthcare system we have.. I went there and meet with this person to talk about my ISSUES, i went home feeling sad. I THOUGHT finally! now I will get some help to figure this out. But it just felt like a INTERVIEW and i left with tears in my heart.

Maybe I don't fit in there pattern, in there structures, maybe i'm a hopeless case.

see you in january she said and left me with some PAMPHLETS.

(I will, i can, i want to figure this out, but oh how i wish it could happen in a Heartbeat!)