I have not failed. I´ve just found 10,000 ways that won't work"
Seems like I built up this big wall in front of me. Started with just one brick but now it's almost impossible to look over it to the other side. At least now I can see the sunshine on the other side once in a while. I remember a time when it was all dark. The sound of my laugh and the smile on my face was fake. Today it is much better and I can feel true happiness. I'm sure I can get well from my depression, but it bothers me that it will take a long time. Because changing takes time, I relapse into old habits and have to learn how to use my mind all over again. What I'm trying to say is that I learned, we all learn or develop a certain way of thinking from when we were children. The way I learned how to cope with difficult situations has punished itself now. I didn't deal with my emotions at the time I needed to. I pushed them away and went on with my life. It worked for a while but eventually they caught up with me, showing their ugly face through panic attacks, shortness of breath and a heavy pressure on my chest. In the beginning it was hard to know what it was, when I were about to fall asleep I suddenly felt as if I froze to ice. I couldn't move a millimetre, I tried to scream but not a sound was passing my lips. I was terrified, I had to calm myself down to relax my muscles. It seems like it was a self-defence reaction, my muscles they all stiffened and made it impossible to move, as if I was attacked and went into a "playing dead" moment. A strong stress-reaction and all I tried to do was to relax to go to sleep.
This was one of my first anxiety attacks, there were many more to come.
Now I don't experience them that much any more, I believe last time was in july, when I just had too much to do at work. I couldn't get a attack at work and just needed to pull myself together and continue working.
It's a long progress to change the way you think, you have to realise that the way you are thinking and acting is wrong and doesn't work. In one way you actually need to realise that your way of thinking can change and are not who you are. You don't loose who you are by changing the way you are thinking, you are only developing yourself. You have to choose who you want to be because apparently the way you were thinking before didn't work out for you so far. We are not victims of our thoughts and we do have the power to change the pattern of how we are thinking. It's just so damn difficult and takes such a long time!
This was one of my first anxiety attacks, there were many more to come.
Now I don't experience them that much any more, I believe last time was in july, when I just had too much to do at work. I couldn't get a attack at work and just needed to pull myself together and continue working.
It's a long progress to change the way you think, you have to realise that the way you are thinking and acting is wrong and doesn't work. In one way you actually need to realise that your way of thinking can change and are not who you are. You don't loose who you are by changing the way you are thinking, you are only developing yourself. You have to choose who you want to be because apparently the way you were thinking before didn't work out for you so far. We are not victims of our thoughts and we do have the power to change the pattern of how we are thinking. It's just so damn difficult and takes such a long time!
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