I have to admit. I'm quite lazy, well at least that is what they tell me.
They just do not know, while I'm sitting there on the couch I can not relax neither can I be productive.
I just sit there and my thoughts are running a marathon. I sit and think about life, about history and future.
I think about my loved ones and I worry about the world.
I remember a conversation with a old friend, on a bus far far away. I asked her what she was thinking when she was looking out the window. She answered me that she wasn't thinking about anything, and she meant it.  I was surprised, is that even possible? If I'm not thinking I have buzz in my head,  like a radio playing all the time.
Can this be stress?

I feel like an error.
error every where.
Inside and out.
Internet error, mental error and I can not find my key.

Midnight error
I need to catch some sleep.

you can always achieve better, push your limit a little bit further away.

Or you end up in Error.

ERROR!

Sometimes I wonder if I try to take on the burden of the world. I want to be a good citizen, recycle, shop organic and ethically, eat vegetarian, care about my neighbours and friends, get full scores in school, get a good physical health, the list goes on, basically I want to be flawless. Logically, I understand that this is not possible but I strive to be that anyway. That puts an enormous pressure on my psyche, to be perfect all the time is quite hard. Often ends up in apathy and I feel paralyzed, I do nothing instead and hide under the covers hoping it will all go away. The thing is that I don't want to stop caring about the environment, eat vegetarian and be a good friend and so on, how can I then change my situation. How can I stop care about issues that interest me?

My friend told me that I'm so brave to have done all the things that I've done in my life even though I'm struggling with an depression. I've been travelling for quite a bit, begun to different schools and new jobs, meet a lot of people.. but the thing is that I force my self to do this in my strive to become perfect and because I don't feel good enough and then I quit before I tried. I hate to stay in the position where I am and I keep moving on, not really commiting to anything. I believe that people from the outside look at me and think that I am brave social and adventures, that might be true in one way but I'm afraid to get stuck in one place ( in one mental state)  and I run away trying to escape myself. 

Today its been a year, a year of LOVE. We been together for a year or for a exactly one year we went on our first date. Yonni picked me up in Vrådal and we drove to Kragerö. I was not interested in Yonni at this time, I had laid of men! at least for a while. But as I sat in that old Saab with the beautiful nature of Norway passing by I couldn't stop smiling. We spent the next 15 hours talking, laughing, eating and crashed the car.. or maybe that was just me. We crashed in to love and from that day we been sharing our lives, thoughts and feelings with each other.

I woke up this morning hoping for a sunny day, inside and out.

Eat a healthy, mood-boosting diet

What you eat has a direct impact on the way you feel. Aim for a balanced diet of protein, complex carbohydrates, fruits and vegetables.

• Don’t neglect breakfast. A solid breakfast provides energy for the day.
• Don’t skip meals. Going too long between meals can make you feel irritable and tired, so aim to eat something at least every 3-4 hours.
• Minimize sugar and refined carbs. You may crave sugary snacks, baked goods, or comfort foods such as pasta or french fries. But these “feel-good” foods quickly lead to a crash in mood and energy.
• Focus on complex carbohydrates. Foods such as baked potatoes, whole-wheat pasta, brown rice, oatmeal, whole grain breads, and bananas can boost serotonin levels without a crash.
• Boost your B vitamins. Deficiencies in B vitamins such as folic acid and B-12 can trigger depression. To get more, take a B-complex vitamin supplement or eat more citrus fruit, leafy greens, beans, chicken, and eggs.
• Consider taking a chromium supplement – Some depression studies show that chromium picolinate reduces carbohydrate cravings, eases mood swings, and boosts energy. Supplementing with chromium picolinate is especially effective for people who tend to overeat and oversleep when depressed. Aim for 600 mcg per day.
• Practice mindful eating. Slow down and pay attention to the full experience of eating. Enjoy the taste of your food

Depression puts a negative spin on everything, including the way you see yourself, the situations you encounter, and your expectations for the future.

But you can’t break out of this pessimistic mind frame by “just thinking positive.” Happy thoughts or wishful thinking won’t cut it. Rather, the trick is to replace negative thoughts with more balanced thoughts.

 

Ways to challenge negative thinking:

• Think outside yourself. Ask yourself if you’d say what you’re thinking about yourself to someone else. If not, stop being so hard on yourself. Think about less harsh statements that offer more realistic descriptions.
• Keep a “negative thought log”. Whenever you experience a negative thought, jot down the thought and what triggered it in a notebook. Review your log when you’re in a good mood. Consider if the negativity was truly warranted. For a second opinion, you can also ask a friend or therapist to go over your log with you.
• Replace negatives with positives. Review your negative thought log. Then, for each negative thought, write down something positive. For instance, “My boss hates me. She gave me this difficult report to complete” could be replaced with, “My boss must have a lot of faith in me to give me so much responsibility.”
• Socialize with positive people. Notice how people who always look on the bright side deal with challenges, even minor ones, like not being able to find a parking space. Then consider how you would react in the same situation. Even if you have to pretend, try to adopt their optimism and persistence in the face of difficulty.

Keeping my head over the water